I don’t know about you, but when I think of getting busy with a man, a baby is the last thing on my mind. I know that the book publishers are just trying to appeal to the woman in me. God knows that I will eschew my career goals and ambitions if I could only find a man who will implant his seed in my barren wasteland of a womb, so that my life would be complete. Ummm… WHAT? Seriously, when I see a romance novel with a baby and a half-naked man on the front cover, my first reaction is to laugh hysterically, then call my friends over so that they can laugh at it, too. Anyway, here are a few baby covers for your viewing pleasure:

Good God, that infant is a little too close to his nipple for comfort. Is he trying to breastfeed the poor thing? Hey, GENIUS, men don’t lactate. Put on a shirt on, damn it, and put a shirt on the baby, too. I’m sure the baby doesn’t want to be sniffing your pit, man, that’s just rude. Jesus, this picture doesn’t make my ovaries tingle at all. I mean, the guy on the cover is kind of hot, but can’t they remove that wrinkly pink thing curling up against him? I can feel the vomit rising up to my throat. Is this a “single father” story? Is he a busy corporate guy who’s about to hire a free-spirited nanny who’ll change his life forever? Where is that nanny, anyway? Hey, thirty-year- old-virgin-who-thinks-she’s-ugly-but-is-really-supermodel-hot, get in the picture and offset the creepiness factor already!

The first thought that popped into my head when I saw this picture was “Madre de Dios, that man has a HUGE head!”. He also kind of looks like Greg Kinnear and I don’t want to be picturing Greg Kinnear in my head while I’m reading a romance novel. He always plays a sleazebag in his movies. Plus he was in that awful movie where he’s trying to have a baby with Jim Carrey’s ex-wife. What does “Boardroom Baby” mean, anyway? Did the executives gang-bang the one female executive they have and now she doesn’t know who the father is and that’s why this baby is a “Boardroom Baby”? Why do the cover art guys think it that they could turn on their female readers by putting a half-naked man and a baby on the cover? Doesn’t anyone care that the baby might get a cold? I don’t care if Greg Kinnear gets pneumonia, won’t someone put some clothes on that baby?

I think everyone has an uncle who isn’t allowed to be alone with the kids and this dude on the picture is that uncle. Look at the creepy way he’s looking at the baby on the left. I can’t tell if he’s looking at the baby with desire or hunger, but either one is making my skin want to crawl off of my flesh. Incidentally, that baby looks like she’s about to cry. Look into her eyes and tell me that’s not a plea of help that you see there. And look at this guy’s moobies! They’re HUGE. That’s not milk in there, buddy, but steroids. I think someone should call Jose Canseco so he can milk this guy. Jesus, we’ve got twins, too! Looking at this picture, my ovaries have shriveled up and shoved themselves farther up my body to settle next to my cold dead heart. I so don’t want to have sex with this guy. And not just because of the disgusting leer and the Siegfried and Roy hair. What kind of woman would leave her kids with this man? HONESTLY!

Oh. My. God. This picture is so not hot. It looks like the cover art guy got lazy and just slapped his kid’s Sears Christmas picture on the front and called it a night, so he could get home and drown himself in eggnog. Jesus, what does this picture even have to do with romance? When I think of “Santa Baby,” I think of Marilyn Monroe in a slutty white nightie and a Santa hat on her head, cooing to some poor schmuck. This isn’t sexy at all. I don’t even know what this book is about, but I bet that at the beginning of the story, the father of this child is not even aware of its existence. This cover is just cheesy and manipulative. It’s like Santa put the Green Mile and Hallmark in a blender, pressed “puree”, chugged it down, and puked all over this cover. Yuck.

Hmmm… I guess if you’re going to foist off your baby on some poor, unsuspecting man, it might as well be a rich man. Man, that kid does not look happy in this dude’s arms. He’s probably thinking, “Jesus, my slut mother is at it again. This is embarrassing. I hope this chump falls for it this time. I’m tired of eating pureed government cheese for dinner.” Over the dude’s shoulder is what looks like a nice country house. Is this guy a rich cowboy? Wait, is this little kid his son and he’s about to hire a free-spirited nanny who will change their lives forever? Or is he a bad boy gone good and rich who comes back to town to find that the girl who had that ONE SPECIAL NIGHT with him got pregnant and now he’s the father of this little boy? Wait, that kid’s too blond. Maybe he’s not the father. Oooh… somebody call Maury Povich!

I have nothing to say. You’ve seen this picture on other websites whose authors are more clever than I am, but I just thought I should bring it out again. Excuse me, I think I have to throw up. I will be seeing this kid tonight in my nightmares during which I will be awaken by my own horrified screams.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005 at 6:03 pm and is filed under Covers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.