Grade: C-

Damn, I just read this book last night—finished it in three hours, a new record!—and I can’t even remember the name of the witless heroine who pissed me off every five pages. I can, however, remember the name of the hero because when I stumbled across this book at B&N, I looked over the back blurb, saw the name of the hero, called my friends over, and we all had a good laugh. Oh, lord, every time I think about it, tears glisten in my eyes. It was just so damned ridiculous that I had to pick it up and buy it… especially since the hero is half white tiger, half snow leopard. Yeah, you read that right. He’s a Tigard. It’s only, like, my favorite animal right now. Surprisingly enough, I had a good time reading this story. I’d had three beers by the time I was finished, but I gotta say, it was a blast. Our heroine is Marguerite… Something Vaguely French… Goudeaut, I think? Oh, it doesn’t matter. Anyway, she’s one of them poor little rich girls whose Daddy doesn’t love her none, so she tries to do everything he wants of her, even go to law school. I’m not really sure how this bimbo made it to law school because she seems… addled in the brainpan (no offense to my mentally handicapped readers out there. I got nuthin’ but love for ya). Oh, that’s right, her daddy’s a senator. She kind of reminded me of those airheads who starred in those C-listed 80s films, like an Ami Dolenz type, you know? She hangs out with these jerkwad rich boys and you gotta wonder, if she’s so damned nice and perfect and smart, why does she hang out with these dicks?

One night, she and the jerkwad rich boys go to Sanctuary, a mystical bar that also serves as a refuge for reject were-things, and predictably, the jerkwad rich boys start picking on people, most notably, a busboy. She comes to the busboy’s defense, stands by as her friends get kicked out, and apologizes to the busboy, all the while thinking that the busboy is ever so hot and she would like to make fuck with him. When she gets mugged on her way home—what kind of moron would walk through a city like New Orleans by herself late at night with all the were-things about?—and the busboy comes to her rescue, she falls, like, totally in love with him and wants to be his lover girl.

Our hero is a Tigard named… Wren Tigarian. I’ll give you a minute to savor it to yourself and swoon or snicker if you wish. He is a busboy for the Sanctuary, but fear not, dear reader… he’s really the second richest man in the world next to Bill Gates (but of course he is!). Anyway, he’s got major issues because his Mommy and Daddy didn’t love him none and oh, yeah, they killed each other. Because of this, he’s all growly and loner-like and doesn’t talk much, but of course he would be talky and lovey-dovey with the heroine. Everyone else thinks he’s a psychotic and weird and in danger of becoming a rabid animal, so they bring up charges against him to the Council of Were-Things and Wren becomes… marked for death!

What annoys me about Kenyon—beside her blatant fan wanking—is her tendency to make everything too convenient for her characters. The heroine is rich and the hero is poor? Make the hero a secret gazillionaire! The hero and the heroine are cornered and facing certain death? Give the hero some powers the likes of which the world has never seen and have him use them when he is seconds away from getting fried! Oh, and while you’re at it, throw in characters from your previous books even when they just stand around and do nothing just so your readers don’t forget that this book is a part of a series!

What I liked about this story is the world-building. Sure, some of it makes absolutely no sense, but I really gotta applaud Kenyon for her imagination. She has really created a world on her own that is comparable to, say, Tolkien’s. Yeah, I said it. Even with the incestuous circle jerk of the Dark-Hunters and the Gods of Contrivance that pop out of nowhere and fix everything for Kenyon every time she writes herself into a corner, this is really an impressive world. Man, I wish I had these guys around to work on my Master’s thesis for me. They’re just so fucking convenient!

As for our lead characters, I just love that they show how much they love each other by getting groiny at every opportunity! Evil were-things are after them and they’re about to die? Get groiny! The hero is bleeding from bullets wounds and probably in need of medical attention? Get groiny! In between scenes of excessive groin grinding, we are treated to Mr. Tigarian brooding about his worthiness and whether he deserves the heroine’s love interspersed with Ms. Something Vaguely French whining about the sincerity of the hero’s love for her because she’s homely and stupid and boring. In fact, if it weren’t for the “gift” that is bestowed upon her by a character yanked straight out of the Land of Contrivance and Deus Ex Machina, I doubt these two would even stay together. Come on, people, even the Gods don’t want you together! If they did, y’all would have received the Mark of Contrivance to show y’all are mated after the first time you got naked together! Don’t you know the mythology?

My main complaint—and I have one—about this book is the excessive use of pop culture references and questionable “voice”. For example, Kenyon makes a Raimi reference that, to my knowledge, is stupid and inaccurate. I think by “Ted”, she meant Sam or Ivan. Those two are the producers of the Raimi family. Ted, the youngest brother, is an actor, first and foremost, and the Clint Howard to Sam’s Ron Howard. And then there’s the “voice”. Wren is supposed to be this tough guy, animal type, and yet whenever we’re treated to his point of view, he sounds like a bimbo valley girl ripped out of Joss Whedon’s wet dream. I just can’t imagine these big, brawny warrior dudes speaking like high school kids who have watched too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don’t see the big deal with that show, anyway. It went sour in the third season after Buffy stabbed Angel and sent him to hell and I’m sick and tired of people making references to it like it’s the second coming of the vampire genre and they’re still talking about it like it hasn’t been cancelled for four years!

In the end, I still had a blast reading this book and think it’s the same reason that I keep watching Half Baked. It’s so stupid and ridiculous that it transcends all of that and just becomes funny. Many times while reading the book, I just stopped and asked myself, “Is she fucking with me?” I especially appreciated that Kenyon restrained her fan wanking tendencies this time around. There wasn’t a Dark-Hunter in sight… oh, wait, there’s one or two, but they weren’t essential to the story. That annoying asshole Acheron and his mentally handicapped pet, Simi, were nowhere in sight, either! Sure, there was an Acheron facsimile here, but he cracked me up, so he was alright with me. Oh, and and Wren’s sidekick is a monkey! I FUCKING LOVE MONKEYS! I was thrilled that the monkey was smarter than the heroine. Oh, man, this book was a hoot. I’d probably read the next DH book in line, but since it’s going to come out in hardcover, I’ll have to wait till it’s a penny at Thriftbooks. Kenyon ain’t gettin’ twenty bucks from me, y’all.

P.S. I can make pop culture references, too.

P.P.S. I haven’t read Dreaming of You yet, but I had a Kleypas burn-out, so I’m going to read a couple more books. I want to give DoY the objectivity that it deserves.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 30th, 2006 at 6:00 pm and is filed under Books, Grade: C, Romance: Paranormal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.