Grade:B

There’s nothing I like better than a good Last Man Alive story. If it’s well-written and doesn’t take itself seriously, then I’m all for it. Imagine a planet with a bunch of Xena-types ruling the joint with whips and chains and using men as their personal love slaves. Sounds cool, right? Too bad that the heroine is a wide-eyed bimbo only looking to be saved by a big, brash All-American type named Joe Hero (yes, that’s his real name). This story just had this underlying message that all a strong, capable woman in power needs to want to exhibit her softer, more feminine side is a good deep-dickin’. What the hell is that about? Does that mean that a strong, capable woman would set aside her ambitions for the right man and settle for home, hearth, and babies? Fuck that! For once, however, I was glad that there was some lesbian lovin’ among the women. I’ve read Last Man Alive stories before where there wasn’t one lesbian coupling in the whole bunch. What the hell did these writers think that the women would do when it got a little lonely? Come on now!
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Alright, I’ve had enough of trainwreck ebook covers. It’s time I posted a prime example of what an ebook cover could look like if it were placed in the hands of a proper artiste. Or I’m just a huge fan of muscular hot dudes with no heads, so I really couldn’t help but like this one. Come on, you guys, THEY’RE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX! BOY ON BOY SEX! WHOO-HOO! I think it’s great that Evangeline Anderson also writes about boys-luvin’-on-boys. She’s such a thoughtful bitch. Look, never mind that I’m a fan of Evie’s work. I bought this book because I was quite attracted to the cover. Never mind that I was trolling specifically in the gay/lesbian section of Loose-id, either. And that I was specifically looking for boy-on-boy sex. Shove all of that aside and admire this cover with me. Isn’t it positively sinful? And by sinful, no, I don’t mean that these guys are gonna go to hell for being gay. They’re too hot to go to hell and everyone knows that beautiful people don’t go to hell. I learned it in Bible studies, swear to God. Do y’all see that you don’t gotta show the model’s junk for a cover to be sexy? See, what I like about this cover–’sides the two hot boys who are about to get it on–is the simplicity of it. There’s nothing shady going on here. For all we know, they’re just two HETEROSEXUAL buddies who are not afraid to change their clothes in front of each other, but the strategically placed dude taking off his shirt and standing behind his buddy there in a suggestive manner, that’s hawt shit. Just goes to show you that we don’t have to have two nasty-looking CGI dudes pretending to go down on each other on the cover to let us know that it’s a boy-on-boy love book. And we don’t gotta look into their dead CGI eyes, either.

P.S. I’m reading this right now and can’t stop giggling like a fool.

Maybe someone can tell me what that thing is… You know, that thing that is sitting between the little girl’s legs. That’s not a baby, is it? That’s a doll, it has to be, because babies don’t sit up that straight at infancy, right? ‘Cause they can hold up their heads or anything? I’m going to assume that’s a doll and not a real baby. I mean, it’s totally freaking me out. It looks like a little weird monster thing… you know, like those creepy creatures from It’s Alive! And who doesn’t think that the gray bear in the corner come alive at night and try to suffocate the little girl in her sleep?

What the hell is going on here, anyway? 8 KIDS? Two parents + 8 Kids=TEN, right? Where are the other six kids? Wait… Mom could be carrying sextuplets, I suppose. Ah-ha! I just figured out the plot of this story. All the short-haired lady has ever wanted is to have babies, but her lesbian partner did not want any. The short-haired lady thinks that she was born to be a mother and can’t be with anyone who doesn’t want to have children with her, so she dumps her lover. She decides that she’s going to have children on her own, so she goes to a sperm bank, and gets herself impregnanted. She is thinking she’s going to have one, maybe twins, but all of the eggs come to fruition and she’s going to have sex…tuplets. She’s thinking “oh shit, I’m not dealing with this alone,” so she goes to her brother’s best friend who has always been in love with her–and is recently widowed and now has to deal with a precocious little girl on his own–and presents a marriage of convenience to him just so her children can have a father. In turn, she will take care of his little girl. Chubby-cheeked man jumps all over the opportunity because he has always been in love with her–even though she was a lesbian–and marries her right away. Unbeknownst to the both of them, she is actually carrying his children from the left over batch of the sperm he donated in college for Top Ramen money. The end. Sheeeit, y’all know y’all wanna read it now.

Thanks for this byooootiful cover, Ambz!

So I open my email and my buddy Sybil had this waiting for me. GOOD GOD. Check out how skinny and hairless his legs are! He’s got chicken legs. And his eyes… is it me or does he look like a deranged CGI Ted Danson? And he’s got ugly feet. And he makes the movie version of the Thing look like a real boy. And his boobies look like two giant deflated soufflés. And I think he’s levitating. There’s no way his butt is touching that chaise longue. Homeboy has some powerful ass muscles to be keeping himself up like that. Okay, okay, I’m stalling. I’ve been trying keep my eyes from what this man is obviously doing. (deep breath) THIS MAN IS MASTURBATING! That is a naked ass CGI man playing with himself! You can even see his pubes and everything! EWWWWW! EWWW!! EWWWWWW!! If it were a real man and not a CGI man feature on this cover, it would be porn! This is not sexy. This is the cover equivalent of walking in on your little brother whacking off to a video of a woman sucking off a donkey in Tijuana! This. Is. Not. Right.

I’m wondering, though. Is he a grower? ‘Cause he’s got a really small hand and it’s covering his entire crotch area.

Thanks for this delicious abomination, Syb!

Grade: B+

There are those who might say that I have a “virgin hero” fetish and they would be right. I love me a virgin hero, it’s true. There’s just something about a man who is as pure as driven snow… untouched… so very, very clean and innocent. Okay, I’m starting to sound like a hero in an Amanda Ashley novel. Rimshot! Just how many romance novels out there feature a hero who hasn’t slept with a thousand women and isn’t a walking incubator for a particularly virulent form of syphichlamherpes? The hero in this ebook has never had sex nor a remotely sexual thought, and at the start of the story, finds himself masturbating for the first time. He’s not a prepubescent boy or anything, but he lives in a world where sexual desire is forbidden. In this story, it is the heroine who initiates their sexual encounters and serves as his tutor in the ways of… amour. It is a testament to Devon’s talent that the whole thing doesn’t come off as creepy; even though the heroine knows more about sex than the hero, the two of them actually learn together and become friends as well as lovers. The damned book was a little too short for my taste–I would have liked to learn more about the hero’s future world–but it’s well-written, entertaining, and a damn good time!
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