Reader Raquel sent this to me ’cause… I don’t know, she wanted to punish me or something. I don’t know what goes on behind the choosing of covers–April Martinez tells me that it is the authors who tell the graphic designers what they want on the cover–but I don’t understand why anyone would pick this cover. Can anybody actually look at this cover and think, “Aww, that’s romantic”? First of all, the “woman’s” face is heavily made up like a mortician with drag queen dreams had something to do with it. Secondly, I think her neck is so long and thin that it can’t actually support the weight of her big head. I think she needs those metal ring things to keep her neck straight. And check out her arms. You know how some Barbies, like the ones for $6.99 have straight arms, but the ones for like, $8.99 have arms bent at the elbows? If this girl were a Barbie–a horrible, scary Halloween Barbie–she’d be like… I don’t know, $2.99. Wait a minute… maybe she’s not even a woman. Maybe she’s a man with designs on the wedding gown behind her and the man (?) in the suit is glaring at him/her because he caught him/her about to try on his fiancee’s wedding gown. Or something. I don’t know. This cover is going to give me nightmares. In fact, my eyes are really itchy right now from just looking at this thing. It could be from the shrimp tempura I just devoured (I’m allergic to shellfish, but eat it anyway–what can I say, I’m a daredevil), but I think it’s this cover.

Thanks a lot, Raquel!

Grade: B

Damn, this is just the first book of what smells like a series and already I’m getting Anita Blake deja vu. Here we have a mere slip of a girl who hath powerth that the world hath never theen, so naturally every supernatural boy on the block wants to have sex with her. Laurell K. Hamilton waited till the seventh book before turning Anita into a complete slut, but I have the feeling that Karen Chance’s Cassie Palmer will have shown her girly bits to a whole football team of vampires and were-things and wizards before the third book. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, as I too once enjoyed a parade, but I can already sense that this whole Cassie Palmer, Prom Queen of the Undead thing is going to be annoying. Now don’t get me wrong–this book was a hoot–but it was a little… too much to take in at once. I mean, the heroine is a clairvoyant and a ghost whisperer and a Quantum Leap-er, for God’s sake! The first part of the book is literally one action scene after the other–I almost got a little dizzy trying to keep up–but a good chunk of the middle is ONE BIG INFO-DUMP, while the last few chapters are a little underwhelming to say the least. What I enjoyed most about this book was that I did not see one Buffy reference. Not one. You guys can’t know what that means to me. For a debut fantasy book, this baby’s immensely readable and I had a good time with it for the most part. There are definitely some “Oh, come on!” moments, but I think it has a good series potential. I can’t say much for the longevity of it, but it’s only the first book, so I’m gonna withhold my final judgment at least until the third book.
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Man, they’re really serious about showing that Superman is not gay, huh? So serious that they were even willing to make their poster look a little romance novel cover-ish (which makes it my territory). Just check out at the way that Lois Lane is looking wistfully at the Man of Steel, like she’s thinking, “Boy, is he ever so pretty. Prettier than me, even. It’s too bad that he likes boys. Hmm… I like boys, too. Maybe we can share.” I wonder why Supes looks so forlorn, with his eyes downcast like he can’t even look at Lois Lane. Jeez, why does he look like he’s about to cry? He’s frickin’ Superman! Personally, I think he’s trying to muster the courage to tell Lois that he’s “living a lie” ’cause all he really wants to is to run away from Metropolis again and flee to Vegas to become a showgirl. I mean, he already has the cape. It needs sparkles, though. Lots and lots of sparkles and the title in neon pink written in calligraphy. Man, this poster is so sad. I think it’s ’cause it’s missing jazz hands. All kidding aside, it really makes me uneasy that the fan boys are thinking Superman is going to be gay just because the director Bryan Singer is gay. I mean, I dare you to call Wolverine gay to his face. Unless he’s dressed like this. Which makes it okay, I think. Whatever. I think the fan boys are scared that they’ll be watching Superman prancing around on screen and accidentally have a gay thought. For me, Superman is a buffet of manliness. And if he happened to like boys, that’s okay, too. Especially if he also liked girls. Heh-heh-heh.

Dang, I can’t ever resist a challenge. April Martinez says she’ll give me a free cover (if I ever get around to writing anything… so April, can’t you make it cash, instead?) if I guess how many photos she used to compose this cover. Homeboy looks like sleazy Christian Bale circa Little Women. I’m thinkin’ he’s a wealthy nobleman… unless he’s a stableboy disguised as a wealthy nobleman… which would explain why he wouldn’t have a valet to shave him or why his hair looks lanky and unwashed. Check out the albino in the background. Dude, she’s totally Powder in a wig and a dress. I think April totally ganked the face from a Powder poster.

I was just thinking of the procedure of creating a cover. So the graphic artist searches through a database of stock photos, take the photos they want, and make an entirely new cover from all of those photos. Which would explain why some of them look Frankenstein-ish. Like they would just slap a head on different body. Creepy.

So let’s see now… definitely a pasted-on head on the male model and a pasted-on dress on girl-Powder. Four photos. Okay, April, I also accept Paypal.

Damn… that guy looks familiar. Hmm… where have I seen him before? No, seriously, you guys, this isn’t a set-up for a joke. He really does look familiar. Man, this is going to bug me all day. He looks like some actor, but I can’t remember who. See, you guys, this is what studying for finals does to a person. Fries the brain. What’s going to happen to me now that my photographic memory is gone? School is bad for you, kids. At first I thought he looks like one of the gay boys from Lord of the Rings, but no… no, he doesn’t. Damn… anyway, what’s wrong with Bettie Page’s head? Does she have her back to us and is looking over her shoulder or… it looks weird, doesn’t it? Like someone just slapped the head on somebody else’s body. It’s angled wrong or something. Also, if Clotho really wanted to hang out on earth and fit in with the humans, you’d think she’d pick a better wig. I’ve seen hotter wigs on drag queens. Also, nice fake green eyes. Jesus, couldn’t the art department afford green contact lenses? They had to add in the green in post-production? What’s this book about, anyway?

Clotho Moirae is weary of spending eternity with her two sisters on Mount Olympus. More than ready for a break, Chloe craves a good vacation. This time, however, she wants to go to the one place she’s never been, and for good reason—one visit by a Fate has the potential to spark titanic problems. What’s the hot vacation spot that tempts Chloe? Earth.

I don’t understand this blurb. This sentence is a little clunky: This time, however, she wants to go to the one place she’s never been, and for good reason—one visit by a Fate has the potential to spark titanic problems. It’s not her wanting to go to earth that causes the titanic problems. She has never been to earth because the visit of a Fate could potentially cause titanic problems. Am I right or am I right?