Hades has always been my favorite Greek god and I have always liked books that feature him as the hero. P.C. Cast’s version of Hades seriously kicks ass, for example. He’s all dark and broody and growly, but deep inside, he’s just this big softie looking for a sweetie to love him. Sigh. P.C. Cast writes a good beast. And her books also have the best fucking covers. I swear, she must have sold her soul to the devil or something to get such hot covers. I can’t attest for this writer’s talent, but you know what this book doesn’t have in common with P.C.’s books? A hot cover. First of all, I don’t know how often gods bathed or if there’s fresh water in Tartarus, but I’m pretty sure Persephone would have made Hades take a shower once in a while. I mean, look at how nasty, lank, and greasy this dude’s hair looks. How is that sexy? Also, couldn’t the photographer haver scouted for a better location for the shooting other than her neighborhood park? How freaked out the kids and their parents must have been when they saw this dirty-looking blond dude walking around wearing nothing but a ratty green towel like he’s in between takes for a gay porno he’s starring in. Dear God, look at how hairless he is. Don’t tell me he spent the time and money for the electrolysis to get the hair off of his body, but he can’t even buy shampoo and wash his hair?

Well let’s see what this author has the beloved Greek god doing now:

When Annalise purchases some old journals from an internet auction site, she never imagines the stories within the books will come to life or speak to her soul the way they do. There’s something about the story of Hades and his ancient love that calls out to an empty place inside her, a place she has attempted to fill her entire life. When she reads the journals, she does so much more than uncover a tale of the past, she uncovers her past and the woman she once was. Now, she knows she has to find the man who was once the god of the dead.

Hades has made a few mistakes in his time, and now he has a chance to right those wrongs. He hopes the journals are enough to pull Annalise into his world and allow him to make peace with the past. Only her love can save him.

Huh. This is a total case of caveat emptor. You should really watch out what you buy from Ebay. One minute you think you totally lucked out on some really cool shit and the next, you’re staring at some General Hospital reject who tells you that he’s channeling Dr. Sam Beckett. And asks you if you’ve got a dollar to spare ’cause he’s totally jonesing for Taco Bell.

P.S. I thought Hades was Zeus’ older brother, not his son!

Dang… I was just talking about preferring real people models over CG stick figures, but now it looks like I have to shove my own words down my throat and choke on them. As many of you know, I am currently reading the FUCKING ODYSSEY for class and the god Poseidon figures prominently in the plot and y’all, I was not picturing Poseidon to be looking like this in my head. If I flunk my Homer finals on Monday, I swear to God, I’m going to blame it on the designer of this cover (and not on the fact that I’ve been glomming Bonnie Dee’s hot ass books instead of studying).

You know, for a supposed Greek god, this guy is hung like a titmouse. He’s wearing shorts that are tight enough to cut off circulation, for Godess’ sake, and I can barely see a damn bulge. And check out the dumbass look on his face, like he’s looking at the photographer, thinking, “She wants me to look ‘fierce’? What the hell does ‘fierce’ mean? Is that like the same as ‘mad’?” Yeah, Poseidon definitely doesn’t look like this in my head. I think this guy might be exercise bulimic. Dude, stay away from the gym and pick up a book, even if that book just happened to be this one. You might learn something. Also, nothing says “class” like an alliterative title.

Check out this blurb:

The ancient Greek god Poseidon falls in love with Beth, a woman who is on the run from her dangerous past. Beth only knows her lover as Den, and it’s not until the past collides with the present will she learn the secret truth of Den and his own mysterious past…

Five bucks says Beth is a virgin. Oh, and you can’t take the bet if you’ve already read the book. Or if you’re the writer.

P.S. Poseidon is really Zeus’ brother, not his son.

I can’t tell if I like this cover or not. It’s outrageous, tacky, and a little over-the-top, but… okay, damn it, I like it. I like naked people. LURVE them. In fact, I’m quite thankful that these aren’t CG naked people, but real naked people. I appreciate that Venus Press decided to foot the additional twenty bucks (and a stack of pancakes) to drag a couple of crackheads from the street, just so they can have real naked people on the cover. Hey, I bet y’all can’t tell by looking at this cover that it’s a VAMPIRE book! No, really, it is. Check this blurb out:

Virginia has always been fascinated by vampires, and one night she finally acts on her fascination and goes to a local club known for catering to vamps. There she meets Anando, a sexy vampire who subjugates her and takes her home.

Ain’t that fabulous, you guys? I also dig that this blurb uses the word ’subjugates’. That there is a five dollar word. I want to be subjugated! Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours ago I wanna be subjugated… okay, it doesn’t quite work, but umm… Alright, then. I just love how pale the girl is in contrast to the male model’s delicious brown skin. There’s just something about that big brown hand cupping that perky, little white ass… this shit is classy, y’all.

He’s so pretty and good and clean… he’s everything that’s ever been pretty and good and clean in the world. He makes the world a better place to live just by breathing and smiling at random strangers. He makes me want to compose a sestina in his honor and you guys, I’m horrible at sestinas. Doesn’t he make your day better just by looking at him? Doesn’t he make you want to be a better woman? Doesn’t he inspire you to do great things… like parallel park? Don’t you just want to take off all his clothes, slather him with chocolate syrup, and eat him up with a spoon? No? Oh, like I’m the crazy one? Maybe he’s not that good-looking and my brains are just fired from reading the Iliad and the Odyssey at the same time. It’s like the worst threesome ever. I’d like a threesome with this guy and a gallon of ice cream. How fun would that be? Oh, dear Goddess, I’m babbling. Before you know it, I’ll be taking off all my clothes and dancing in the streets nekkid, passing out daisies to my shocked neighbors. I can’t wait for finals to be over. I don’t even sleep anymore. The day after my finals, I think I’m going to check myself into a hospital for “exhaustion”. Maybe my doctor would look like this guy. You guys, I’m so tired and sleepy… and this pretty, pretty man made my day.

Thank Goddess for your cover art designer, Lucy Monroe!

I was writing up a blog entry on this particular cover when my computer completely and totally blitzed out on me. I’ve lost all the covers I’ve saved over the past couple of years as well as the back-up copies of my reviews. No joke. I cried to Tim and he had to reformat the hard drive and re-install everything. I cried for an hour. Do you think maybe it’s karma for all those covers I’ve made fun of and the books I’ve written bad reviews for? Maybe I’ll be like Earl from now on and only write Harriet Klausner-like reviews and gush over pretty, sparkly covers, so I can get good karma in return. Nah. I’m pretty sure God thinks I’m funny, too. Anyway, Tim says it was this cover that made the computer freak the fuck out. Look at this thing. LOOK AT IT. For the past couple of days, I’ve been posting nothing but hawt, hawt covers, so I figured I’d share this one with you guys to remind you what this site is all about. I can’t be letting you guys think that I’ve gone soft in my old age.

For a guy who is suffering from major elephantitis–boy, his testicles look heavy– he sure has a pretty slick fashion sense. I almost love that coat. Wait, no I don’t. Why electric blue, Mr. Graphic Designer, WHY?!? As if that’s not creepy enough, just check out the expression on his face. That expression says “I like to scratch my butt and smell my fingers afterward,” my friend.

I’ve plucked out my own eyes and am typing this entry blind. Thanks a lot, Laura.