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That’s Not Happyness to See Me, Is It?

Jeez, look at this girl’s face. She’s trying to smile, but her mouth is wobbling at the corners and you know bitch is about to cry. I think it’s because she just realized that the guy she had drunken sex with that ONE SPECIAL NIGHT was not her hunky cop neighbor, but her retarded Jim Breuer-lookin’ brother. Look at these two and tell me they’re not siblings. Their haircolor down to their complexion is the same! I’m not a fan of overly-bulky, steroid-pumping cover models, but this guy is just downright scrawny. Combined with his floppy-ass, greasy, lanky hair, this dude is not sexy at all. And he’s really short, too! I think he’s a little person. Oh, he’s kneeling? Whatever. How did he even manage to impregnate that poor woman? Man, he’s so retarded he thinks that little pink jumper is going to fit his girlfriend! Think again, dummy, that’s for babies! Dumbass. God, I feel bad for this woman, even though she has a gigantor schnozz. Man, look at that thing. It needs its own zipcode or something. It’s huge! Also, why is she cupping her spleen? Is that where she thinks the baby is? I didn’t know that being pregnant meant that you suddenly didn’t know jack shit about human anatomy. Well, she’s stupid enough to sleep with her mentally retarded brother, so… ah, to hell with it.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 18th, 2006 at 9:20 am and is filed under Covers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

14 Responses to “That’s Not Happyness to See Me, Is It?”

  1. SKapusniak
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 10:22 am
    1

    Postively Pregnant? Like as in HIV+?

    They can’t mean that. Okay as a one off plot device possibly, but not for a whole marketing subgenre like that sticker seems to imply?

    But if not that, what the the *hell* do they mean? I’m drawing a blank here.

    Maybe they do mean HIV+. Wow!

  2. Bam
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 10:33 am
    2

    No, silly. They mean that stupid EPT thing. “Plus if you’re pregnant, minus if you’re not” or something. Or maybe that’s First Response. Hmm. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had to use one because my womb is a dry, infertile, barren wasteland.

  3. LorelieLong
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 10:36 am
    3

    They have these new digital versions so if you’re knocked up it actually says “pregnant”. Or, ya know, if you’re having problems it sits there mocking “NOT PREGNANT” every goddamn month.

  4. Evangeline Anderson
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 10:38 am
    4

    Um, does this kind of crap really sell? Enough for them to make a whole imprint of it? Somebody help me here because when I saw this cover it gave me the creeps big time. I want to run the other direction when I see a book that involves pregnancy and obnoxiously cute babies. I think the Mama gene got left out of me but it’s still hard to belive that women want to read this kind of crap.

  5. Bam
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 10:42 am
    5

    Oh, man, I stepped on the scale today and it said “Pregnant”. Tim looked at the read-out and said, “Aw, it lies. You’re not pregnant. You’re just bloated ’cause you’re about to get your period. Do you want some ice cream?”

    Tim rocks.

    And Evie, hell yeah, it sells. Are you kidding? People love this shit.

  6. Evangeline Anderson
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 10:51 am
    6

    Ugh! I can’t imagine why! What is the appeal here?
    And Tim is a cool guy. Eat your ice cream and be grateful.
    BTW–how does the plot of one of these preggy romances usually go? Having never read one, I can’t imagine. Is it all secret baby shit or what? E

  7. Bam
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 10:54 am
    7

    Not always secret baby. Sometimes, a girl gets pregnant by a cad and her male best friend/hunky neighbor steps up to the plate and offers to marry her. Or starts seeing her in a different light because of her “pregnancy glow” or some shit like that.

  8. SKapusniak
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 10:54 am
    8

    Okay, well given that I’m a guy and without a medical degree, I guess it’s unsuprising I’m clueless in this department.

    Well clueless other than they keep showing the TV advert over in here .uk, with a deep voiced movie-trailer type guy, doing voiceover for a testing device billed as “The Most Sophisticated Piece of Technology You’ll Ever Pee On” *shot of ‘water’ falling on electronic device*.

  9. Shuzluva
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 11:00 am
    9

    OMG. I love my children, but I sure as hell do not want visions of them dancing through my romance novels! EWWWWWWWWWWW! Just hearing one of them moving around when we’re…well, you know…KILLS the mood. That’s why I’m going to make our room sound proof.

    Evie, who cares about the plot? Is there anything less romantic than a night of hawt sex followed by a secret baby? Oy. I can imagine the angst and annoying giant misunderstandings that underlay every baby/secret baby/multiple daddy plot out there. Ugh.

    Bam, that is so sweet of Tim! He’s a keeper, and hopefully he’ll enjoy that ice cream with you. This weekend was our sixth anniversary and the hubby wrote in my card that I “look better than ever”. I’ll keep him around too.

  10. Evangeline Anderson
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 11:10 am
    10

    Shuzluva, this Nov will be my tenth aniversary with DH. I’ve been with him since I was 18. He’s a keeper too.
    I just think that when you add a kid, pre-natal or not to any kind of romance it screws up the chemistry. But obviously there are tons of women who love to read this kinda stuff. More power to them but I wish Bam would stop posting the creepy covers.

  11. Shuzluva
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
    11

    Evie, I agree. Bam, we’re begging you: these covers are just so creepy that we can’t stand ‘em!

  12. Anonymous
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 3:30 pm
    12

    That’s not her spleen, silly… that’s her ribs. Every baby’s favorite place to stick their butt and make mama uncomfortable as hell.

  13. Anonymous
    Posted: Sep 18th, 2006 at 7:52 pm
    13

    …that stupid EPT thing. “Plus if you’re pregnant, minus if you’re not” or something. Or maybe that’s First Response.

    What we all failed to realize here is that the Positively +Pregnant! series is the work of a MARKETING GENIUS! It’s the first-ever Romance Novel / Pregnancy Test product tie-in in history.

    Instead of a subscription offer insert on the center page, there’s a “Two for One” coupon for EPT and a flyer for Babies “r” Us (Purchase the pink onesie seen on the cover of Sillouette’s new Special Eddition “The Ladies’ Man” for just $9.99!)

    Also, am I the only one who gets visions of Tim Meadows upon reading the title?

    bettie
    (blogger beta sucks!)

  14. Anonymous
    Posted: Oct 1st, 2006 at 3:13 pm
    14

    I think that’s actually her liver. Spleen’s on the left-hand side.

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