I stared at this cover for a while, trying to figure out what it reminded me of. After a few hours, it finally came to me. Seriously, I was walking to class when the face flashed in my head. I think I actually said “Aha!” out loud. It was a good thing I was in the lit building, where they’re pretty much used to crazy people. Anyway, take a look at this thing and tell me if the resemblance is not uncanny. Man, I know that cover artists sometimes take a model’s face and slap on it somebody else’s body, but was the Face of Mars really the best choice? Honestly! Dude’s face is as flat as a pancake. As if that’s not enough, he’s cross-eyed, too. He’s like Fabio’s retarded redneck cousin or something. If not for the Joisey Girl™ hair, that is. Man, look at that thing. There’s no way you can accomplish hair like that by rolling out of bed, spritzing some water on it, and heading out like you’re carefree and shit. Hair like that needs 2 cans of Aquanet, 3 cans of White Rain Mousse, and an industrial-strength pick. Like the ones with the metal prongs. I can’t even tell where his hair ends and his chest hair begins. They’re, like… tangled together or something. Wait, no, that’s not chest hair. Eww. Those are his ratty-ass split ends. I do love the way his hands are fisted at his sides. With the constipated expression on his face, it looks like he’s trying to take a power-dump or something. Ha-ha, a poop joke.

First of all, what is this girl wearing? Is it a wedding dress with an oxford button-down for the top and some frilly white lace thing for the bottom? Wait, no. I think that’s the table cloth. What the hell is she sitting on? Is she sitting on the male model behind her or is there a stool hidden there underneath all that white stuff? That black thing can’t be his leg because it is too high up on his chest. He’s definitely not sitting down. Could he be reclining on the floor? Well, it can’t be too comfortable for him, especially since that girl is sitting on his ribcage. Wait, no. Her butt seems to be hovering in thin air. Now that’s what I call muscle control. Is that even a human male behind her or a mannequin? Man, maybe the girl has “burning desires” because she never wears any drawers. Girl, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to sit on strange men if you’re not wearing drawers? That just invites all sorts of trouble. Is it me or Does she look like Nikki Cox from that show, Las Vegas? Speaking of seedy melodramas, I was reading the blurb for this book and it kind of looks interesting because the setting is a family-produced soap opera. You guys should read the excerpt. You’ll learn everything you need to know about the heroine’s back story on the first page through the dialogue! It’s awesome. You know what else is awesome? The author’s name. Oh, by the way, this cover is actually brilliant compared to the previous one.

Thanks to Christine for the cover!

Hooray, it’s the hot cover of the week, y’all! Man, check this shit out. It’s the hotness. In fact, it was so hot that I bought this book. I did. I don’t know what it’s about, but that sure looks like a Nubian god to me. Or a very dark white boy. And the chick holding him? Asian. There’s just something very sexy about this cover, never mind that our boy there is nekkid and has a very nice body. And no head! I’m always very happy when I encounter a cover that doesn’t feature heads because that means I can super-impose any face I want on it in my head and some ugly poser face wouldn’t pop up in front of my eyes at some inopportune moment. I do like that the Asian chick is holding that chain in her hand. Five bucks says it means one of them was broken out of captivity. Okay, don’t take that bet. I cheated and looked… like two seconds ago. The dude is imprisoned and the Asian chick, who is a love slave, helps him break out of the prison. She’ll give him the way out of the prison if he helped her escape and she’d have sex with him if he gave her a seat on his escape pod. That shit sounds hot. Who designed this cover? Why, April Martinez, of course. That girl is hella talented. Take a bow, April, you done it again!

Oh wow, I can’t stop looking at it. Dude is totally rocking the codpiece a la This is Spinal Tap. Those pants (tights?) are hella tight. No wonder his junk is struggling to break free. It probably can’t breathe. Yeah, penises breathe. In fact, in romance novels, they are often a separate consciousness from the male body. They throb, pulsate, stiffen, ram, elongate… you name it, they do it. I’m pretty sure some of them can sing, too. This particular penis, for example, is telling us that its owner is very interested in the female he’s holding. That is very convenient because the male can’t seem to manipulate his face into forming a believably human expression. Ah, hell, he’s about as good at it as Jordan Catalano, all blank and freakishly inhuman. Also, is it me or is he very, very pale? Maybe he’s supposed to be a vampire or something. Check out all that alabaster flesh. Don’t tell me you’re not a little bit turned on. Too bad he’s sporting that floppy, good-god-wash-your-hair ‘do that those CW boys seem to be so inordinately fond of. I bet the female he’s holding can snap him in half. Man, look how hearty-looking that bitch is. Her hips are wider than he is, period. Dude should seriously consider eating a burger. Or a dozen. God, this cover is dreary. And kind of boring. I wonder what the cover artist used as a background. Is that a “dreamscape” postcard of some kind? It’s actually not that bad. It’s very Tales from the Darkside. Too bad these two poser assholes are standing in the way. Long suffering sigh.

Grade: C+

The first three chapters of this book are awful. Think Sailor Moon fanfic crossed with a really bad Anita Blake fanfic with a dash of dog-shit and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. The plot meanders, the heroine is annoying, and the dialogue is vintage Velveeta. My main problem with it is that the author doesn’t take the time to introduce the characters and allow her readers to get to know them much less care about them before tossing them into a shitstorm. Actually, one shitstorm after the other. But then something happened. As horrible as I thought it was, I couldn’t put it down and when it was finished, I found myself looking for more. Hell, the first thing I did after I finish it was log on to Amazon and order the sequel. Shoddy characterizations and overwrought prose aside, I realized at the end of the book that I actually dug it. If you’re not a fan of heroines that everyone wants to fuck or rape, bitchy women who would make Alexis Carrington look like a puppy dog, murky mythology, rape as punishment, or alpha males who show their alpha-ness by growling or sporting wood, then this is probably not for you. This is Anita Blake starting from Narcissus in Chains and forgetting the first ten books of the series ever existed (just like how it is now!). This is Sookie Stackhouse turned slutbagwhore after a lobotomy. This is Jaenelle Angelline with all of her Mary Sue potential realized. And ya’ll, this is just the beginning of a series. Mwahahaha.

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