I wanted to see A Perfect Getaway in the movie theaters when I first saw the preview because I seem to be under some sort of spell that compels me to watch any movie starring Leeloo Multipass, but vdecided against it because it seemed like it would be a teen-percenter on Rotten Tomatoes like Turistas or some other stupid-tourist-torture-porn bullshit like that (though I thought The Ruins was pretty good). I even thought Josh Duhamel was in it, but the vaguely crazy-looking handsome “is he?” dude turned out to be my favorite that-dude-always-plays-a-sociopath, Timothy Olyphant. This movie also stars the always reliably entertaining Steve Zahn who I always believed should be on a different career path than he is on now, but what’s the guy been up to lately? (Speaking of erstwhile Steves, has anyone seen Steve Buscemi?) I have to admit that I was wrong about what I thought the story of the movie was going to be. I’m usually pretty good at being able to determine the plot and the ending from just watching the previews, but with this one I was mostly wrong. It was not about a dumb honeymooning couple who gets waylaid by a lost tribe of cannibalistic Hawaiians and get spit-roasted over a fire like a pig in a luau. And that was a nice surprise. Except I guessed who the killer/s was/were fifteen minutes into the film and the rest of it I just spent waiting to see if I was right. And I was. Booyah.

I may accidentally reveal how the movie ends. I’m terrible that way.

The movie opens with a bunch of drunken fools on videotape telling the camera how much they love the newly married couple and wishing them good luck. The video dissolves and we see a couple driving around in a Jeep all goofy and laughing, with the bride’s foot hanging out in the window. The groom is Steve Zahn and he is a screenwriter from Venice Beach and his bride, Leeloo Multipass is Mrs. Screenwriter’s Wife from Pacific Palisades. They are recounting the events of their wedding with Steve Zahn mentioning that his douchebag brother from Massachusetts just had to give him one last noogie and Leeloo counters that she thought the brother was from Maryland and Steve Zahn says, “Whose brother is it, anyway?” They giggle like newly married tools. Leeloo’s foot hits a low-hanging branch as Steve Zahn drives a little close to the side of the road and Leeloo shrieks, but Steve Zahn apologizes and kisses her.

The pair are in Kauai and are about to go hiking and find a kickass beach in the middle of nowhere to have sex in where they are likely to stumble upon a lost tribe of Filipino cannibals who’ll skin them alive and roast them like spam to eat with their warm bottles of San Miguel Beer. They stop at a tourist gift shop to pick up the necessary permits and some sun-and-sand paraphernalia. Leeloo picks up sunblock and stuff like that while Steve Zahn talks important manly hiking stuff with the cashier. Leeloo drops her armload of crap on the counter and demands from Steve Zahn a declaration that he missed her while she was gone for nine seconds, but Steve Zahn ignores her even as she rubs up against him and promises to give him a blowie in the car if he did so. Steve Zahn continues to ignore her and Leeloo gets huffy until Steve Zahn kisses her and reveals he was just pretending to ignore her all along. The cashier rolls his eyes. Steve Zahn is oblivious as he pulls out a big wad of cash to pay for their stuff as some squirrelly looking brown people look hungrily at the money and mutter some gibberish native language to make the white honeymooning couple and the audience suspect that the locals will follow their dumb cracker asses, beat the shit out of them, and steal their money. And possibly rape the wife. The two idiots drive away happily as the locals stare at them in their squirrelly manner. They run over a newspaper reporting the massacre of two haoles in Oahu and the suspects are still on the loose. Foreshadowy!

Steve Zahn and Leeloo Multipass are driving merrily along when they come across a couple of unwashed hippies thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. Much to Leeloo’s distress, Steve Zahn stops and invites the couple to hop on. Leeloo gives Steve Zahn the death stare and wonders out loud why they would do something so incredibly stupid now such as pick up hitchhikers when it’s something that they normally wouldn’t do. Steve Zahn is slightly cowed by the daggers in Leeloo’s eyes and lamely reasons that it’s Hawaii and NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS IN HAWAII. (except earthquakes and volcanoes and the possibility of the islands getting swallowed by a giant tsunami and dumb tourists who wake up in a tub of ice with their kidneys removed… or is that Mexico?)

The dirty hippie girl is played by Marly Shelton whom I’ve always thought is really pretty, but she’s got dreadlocks in this movie, gross―and hops happily into Steve Zahn and Leeloo’s Adventure Jeep even though Leeloo is still giving Steve Zahn a death glare and being totally obvious about not wanting dirty hippies in their Adventure Jeep where they apparently partake in dangerous sexual exploits while driving. Steve Zahn ends up reneging on the invite by telling the hippies they’re probably not going as far as they are and Marly Shelton’s boyfriend pops up calling Steven Zahn on his bullshit and he’s obviously some kind of criminal and has a tattoo on his bare chest that says Do Not Revive which makes Steve Zahn totally nervous.

Sensing her partner’s mounting rage and aware of his inclination to crush the faces of smug hippies with his fists, Marly Shelton hurriedly brings out photos of their dirty hippie wedding which she shows to Leeloo Multipass. Leeloo, who is obviously a sucker for cheesy pictures, changes her mind about taking in potentially murderous hitchhikers and says what the hey, come aboard. But Do Not Revive’s manhood has been totally insulted and they would rather walk, fuck you very much, and drags Marley Shelton out of the Jeep. Mr and Mrs Steve Zahn, while totally freaked about Do Not Revive’s violent outburst, shrug it off and continue on their merry way.

At this point, I turn to Marc and tell him I don’t think they’re the killers. Why would they be? Sure, Do Not Revive looks like he would happily kick a puppy through a field goal and would probably be the type to smack a woman around for having a smart mouth and there’s something about the way Marly Shelton looks that suggests these two have a filthy drug habit and that Do Not Revive isn’t opposed to pimping out his wife so they can score the cash to buy some sweet, sweet meth. Not that meth isn’t an evil thing that pushes people to do crazy things like joyously murder people while in the act of mugging them and who’s to say that Marly Shelton and Do Not Revive wouldn’t have been the kind of people to mug the folks who kindly offered them a ride. But I said bullshit because… oh come on.

“Ten bucks say Steve Zahn and Leeloo Multipass are the killers and they’re not who they say they are,” I say to Marc.

“That would be pretty cool,” Marc says.

“Yeah, this movie would suddenly be a hundred times cooler.” And as I said that, I realized that if this movie were indeed full of “twists and turns,” my speculation would be the likely “twist.”

Steve Zahn and Leeloo set off on their hiking trip and there are some really kickass and breathtaking scenes that made me wish I had a lot of money and could just take off for Hawaii tomorrow especially since Newport Beach’s weather has been total ass. Along the way, they encounter a scary cliff that Steve Zahn hesitates to scale because he wears glasses and he’s a Hollywood screenwriter and that’s just not the kind of stuff he’s into. He and Leeloo are gawking in fear at the very real possibility of death by falling off a cliff when a tall, muscular, a-little-too-friendly bloke easily steps over the crevasse they’ve been staring at and encourages Steve Zahn in a gruff, macho way to stop being a vagina and just take a step. Steve Zahn makes it to the other side though not as gracefully, then extends his arm to Leeloo telling her it’s not a big deal. Leeloo goes for it but her foot slips and she would have plunged to a certain death had it not been for my favorite happy-go-lucky sociopath, Timothy Olyphant (who will always be sexy-delicious to me because of Deadwood) who easily reaches out and grabs her arm before she could fall. Steve Zahn and Leeloo Multipass look upon Timothy Olyphant’s rough, granite-hard visage with equal parts fear, awe, and possibly sexual arousal ’cause dude is just that awesome. The man has been known to impregnate women just by winking and smiling at them. True story.

Timothy Olyphant is obviously the macho alpha to Steve Zahn’s bespectacled beta as evidenced by the former’s lack of gear because real men don’t need hiking accoutrement like sissies. Steve Zahn and Leeloo, however, are packed like they spent their year’s salary at Dave’s World O’ Camping and have it all strapped to their backs. Timothy Olyphant tells the twosome that he’s heading for this kickass beach that no one knows about and Leeloo is totally like, “ZOMG, can we tag along?” Steve Zahn is a little more reluctant, but Leeloo is looking like she wants to shove new hubby down a ravine and attach herself to Timothy Olyphant’s back like that creepy Yoda backpack. The honeymooning couple follow Timothy Olyphant like he’s that surly, gay British actor who plays Edward Cullen and they’re 13-year-old Twihards at a Fangbanger Convention.

On the way, the threesome bump into a bunch of shrill, hysterical college girls on vacation who are totally freaking out because the father of one of the girls saw the Oahu massacre on the news and wants his daughter to come home. Leelo is concerned and asks if there are suspects in custody, but the girls are too busy panicking, though they manage to reveal that the killers are a couple: a man and a woman. “Oh, yeah, like Natural Born Killers!” Steve Zahn looks at Timothy Olyphant like he’s wearing a hockey mask and wielding a machete, but Timothy Olyphant is like, “Whatevz, bitches. Come or don’t.” Leelo reminds Steve Zahn that they’re on they’re honeymoon and Oahu is, like, a million miles from Kauai, and they go with Timothy Olyphant anyway because he’s by himself and could not possibly be a part of a couple. During their companionable chitchat, Steve Zahn reveals he’s a screenwriter and Timothy Olyphant immediately looks interested and calls him a “screenplay writer,” even though Steve Zahn insists it’s just “screenwriter.” Timothy Olyphant says if Steve Zahn is looking for ideas, he should probably write about Timothy Olyphant because he’s awesome and has seen more fucked up things in his life that anyone who has ever lived. He adds that there would be many “twists and turns” as well as a few “red snappers,” to which Steve Zahn says, “It’s ‘red herring’,” and Timothy Olyphant says, “I’m pretty sure it’s called a ‘red snapper,’ dude, but you’re the screenplay writer.”

The three of them manage to make it to this super-secret beach where there is a very hot, very gorgeous, very naked chick floating on the water in a raft. Timothy Olyphant immediately strips off his clothes and jumps in to join her, introducing the woman as the “crazy love of my crazy life.” That’s apaprently one to many “crazy” in one sentence for Steve Zahn and he totally wants to book it ’cause uh, HELLO, the killers are a couple and Timothy Olyphant is no longer a solitary dude! Leeloo Multipass must have taken some oblivious clueless pills this morning because she totally ignored Steve Zahn’s look of alarm, takes off her own damn clothes, and dives into the pool to join the crazy couple in love. While Leelo Multipass is canoodling with their potential killers, Steve Zahn hears a noise and goes to investigate—dingleberry!—guess who he finds? The meth-head lovers, Marly Shelton and my favorite skull-fucker, DO NOT REVIVE, of course! Do Not Revive makes threatening, grandstanding gestures at Steve Zahn who’s all, “Gulp!” and says, “Oh, so you’re a lying liar who lies and couldn’t give us a ride because you were going the other way and now here we are, somehow ending up at the same place. Quelle coincidence, no?” Timothy Olyphant jumps to the rescue and scares away the meth-heads. They go back to the pool where the girls are, tells the girls to hurry, but Steve Zahn just has to look through their bags to look for their hiking permit. He is unable to find it, but he finds the bag of Marly Shelton and Do Not Revive and looks through it too, just to be sure that their hiking permits haven’t been stolen by the dirty hippies. Suddenly, Timothy Olyphant is all, “Dude, seriously, get a move on,” and Steve Zahn hauls ass and away they go.

They end up at a cliff just as the sun is starting to set and the four of them are all awed by its beauty. They decide to camp out for the night and hang out for a bit before continuing the hike down to the beach. Timothy Olyphant announces he’s hungry and is going hunting for wildlife and taunts Steve Zahn for being a pussy when Steve Zahn says he’s not very comfortable with killing animals. Timothy Olyphant starts babbling about himself being in the Special Forces and how he’s really hard to kill since he once took a shrapnel to the back of the head and half of his skull is made of titanium now. Pretty Blond Girlfriend gives him a look like, “shut the fuck up, bro,” and Steve Zahn and Leeloo Multipass get nervous and shoot each other anxious WTF stares.

Suddenly, the guys hear a noise in the jungle and set off to investigate while the girls are left alone to talk and do what girls do. The pretty blond girl who plays Timothy Olyphant’s girlfriend starts talking about her childhood growing up in Virginia or Georgia or West Virginia (I forget) and how good she is with guns and killing things and even Leeloo Multipass who is totally oblivious to the fact that their hiking companions could be serial killers is like, “Gulp!” When Blond Girlfriend is finished talking, she points to Leeloo Multipass and tells her it’s her turn. Leeloo Multipass is reluctant at first and Blond Girlfriend mocks her about her perfect life and Leeloo Multipass gets annoyed and says her life is hardly perfect and she just really wants to have kids and talks about her own childhood and tells a story about a guy she dated named Rocky who showed her a dead dog he mutilated on their 1st date. Blond Girlfriend is all, “WTF!” The guys return and Steve Zahn and Leeloo Multipass go into their tent and plot some way to escape their would-be killers without alerting the other two that the jig is up. They decide to stay till morning and wake up to helicopters ordering them to get out of their tents. The foursome is wondering what the heck is going on when they see a bunch of cops arresting Marly Shelton and Do Not Revive who are violently resisting. The cops tell the foursome that they found a little box full of teeth in the bags of the meth-head lovers which makes them the killers because the killers liked to take out the teeth of their victims.

After the cops are gone, the foursome look at each other and laugh, saying stuff like, “Whoa, we thought you were the killers,” and “Noooo… we thought YOU were the killers. Oh, funny coincidences! Now that neither of us could possibly BE the killers, we can all let our guards down and relax. Hooray!”

But you knew the meth-head couple couldn’t possibly be the killers because we have about twenty minutes left in the movie. So who’s the killer now?

This movie turned out to be a lot more fun that I thought it would be. It’s not an Academy Award contender or anything, but it’s still an okay way to spend about eighty minutes especially when you don’t have cable and you’re wondering what you should watch while enjoying Tuesday’s Macaroni Surprise. Steve Zahn plays a good hapless husband who’s a total dork and can/can’t fend off a couple of crazed killers and Leeloo Multipass is always nice to look at and even though she’s not the best actress of her generation, she and Steve Zahn do well together. As for Timothy Olyphant, it’s always nice to see this guy because I enjoy him as an actor even though he always seems to be playing a badass who knows his weapons and may or may not be a serial killer, but that’s just his charm. Blond Girlfriend whose name I can’t be bothered to look up was also nice to look at and does a passable job with what she’s given. The four of them work well enough together and have good chemistry. The dialogue is a little painful, but the director knows pacing and sustains the tension and suspense well enough throughout the movie even though you’ll probably guess who the killers are midway through but will watch the rest anyway just to see if you are right. I give it an Aiiiiiight and a 75/100. Surprisingly better than it should be, but I did see the trailer originally and thought, “Oh, man, this movie is going to be TERRIBLE. I have to see it!”

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