When we last saw the Dollagangers, they were escaping the attic in which they were locked up for almost four years, plotting revenge against their evil mother, and incest-kissing like it’s going out of style (has it ever ever been in style? No, it has never been in style). With their little sister Carrie in tow, Cathy and Chris lug their belongings into a bus to head down to Florida where they can have a new start and make their living as flying trapeze artists. Due to the heat, exhaustion, hunger, and all around weakness (not to mention the arsenic poisoning — spoiler!), the little tow-headed albatross starts throwing up. Cathy and Chris mop up the vomit with some napkins and are told they will be thrown off the bus by the driver when he catches them trying to stick the dirty napkins in between the seats (the disgusting pigs). Luckily, there is a magical and mute old obese black lady in there with them who sees the suffering child and offers to take them to the doctor with her (she carries a notepad around her neck with which she conveys her thoughts). At the next stop, the Dollagangers get off the bus with the old black lady who takes them to a perfect cookie-cutter house where she is the caretaker and housekeeper for a man she calls “doctor-son.” The doctor-son is a debonair, handsome, extremely kind, and lonely man called Dr. Paul Sheffield. If a man who is a complete stranger living in the middle of nowhere offered you and your siblings to live in his mansion-cottage in a lap of luxury, would you take it?

Cathy and Chris sing like a canary on a karaoke-high as soon as the good doctor asks what’s going on. “Um, our dad died and our disinherited mother begged her parents to take us in but as soon as we got to their mansion, my grandma and mother colluded to lock us up in the attic for four years with no fresh air and sunshine, no other company except for ourselves eating only stale food. Oh and did I mention the poisoned donuts given to us by our mother because she wanted to get rid of us for good? Yeah, arsenic is not good times. Anyway, my baby brother died because he stuffed himself full of the donuts and somewhere along the way, my older brother Chris started looking real good to me and I mean, uh— did I mention my mother is totally evil? And all I wanted to do is dance, dance, dance, and grow up to be a prima ballerina! Is that too much too ask?” Dr. Sheffield thinks the kids are nutzoid at first, but Cathy’s wide cerulean eyes and pretty blond hair sell it like a pro and Dr. Sheffield finds himself totally buying. The good doctor commences to be the best father ever, offering to send Chris to medical school and take care of Cathy and Carrie. Cathy thanks Dr. Sheffield the only way she knows how: by cozying up to his lap, batting her eyelashes at him, and cooing to him in her best Marilyn Monroe impression.

Cathy is the ultimate evil woman in all of us. She is our id. Desire, vengeance, lust, Elektra issues, and conniving manipulation all wrapped up in a trim, slim package of big hair, big blue eyes, and pretty pink nails. Her one consuming goal in life is to make her mother PAY. The one thing she knows will hurt her mother more than anything is if she, Cathy, were to steal her mother’s wealthy, handsome boy-toy Bart Winslow, once she, Cathy, became the most famous, richest ballerina of all time. She doesn’t quite know how she’s going to reach her goal, but she’s pretty sure she can dance, dance, dance her way to it. Every man she encounters become ensnared by her beauty, each man a victim. Behold, the carrion in her wake:

Chris- the beleaguered, long-suffering brother. He is the personification of everlasting, unconditional love. He will love Cathy and Cathy alone for the rest of his life because through his formative years, she was literally the only woman in the world for him. He is a good guy, a martyr. He will follow Cathy to the ends of the earth all the while kissing the ground she walks on. He will never waver in his love for her because he believes he is the only one who can truly love her the way she deserves.

Julian Marquette- the ultimate bad boyfriend. He represents angsty teenage boy lust and sexual desire. If he can’t have Cathy, he’ll die of blue balls. God, can’t Cathy understand that a man has needs and he must have her or he will… oh, he will break something, that’s for damn sure. He is a ballet dancer, all lithe, lean muscular physique and a devil-may-care smile. He will do anything to have Cathy, even if it kills the both of them. If he can’t have her, no one can. NO ONE. He’s the kind of guy who will stomp on Cathy’s toes so she can never dance again, then go home and wreck everything that’s ever meant anything to her. That’ll show her. But the joke’s on him because Cathy’s all about Pokerface: “I want to hold em like they do in Texas Plays. Fold em, let em hit me, raise it baby, stay with me (I love it). Luck and intuition play the cards with Spades to start. And after he’s been hooked, I’ll play the one that’s on his heart.” Yep, he can play the bad boy all he wants, but Cathy’s got the ace… or however it is you win in poker.

Dr. Paul Sheffield – The daddy figure. He will fix everything that’s wrong in Cathy’s life. He will pick her up when she’s fallen. He will kiss her booboos and make it all better. He will allow her to fly and fly free. He will wait for her until she realizes he’s the only one who can ever truly love her the way she deserves and comes back to him. And they will live happily ever after, at least until she has to stick him in a retirement home and get on with the rest of her life. With a younger man.

Bart Winslow– The prize. He is a sophisticated, intelligent, and wealthy playboy, but none of his skills will do him any good because he is nothing but a pawn in Cathy’s plans. He is nothing but a means to an end, the ultimate weapon against Cathy’s mother. To have and to hold Bart means Cathy has supplanted her mother in every way: she’s more beautiful, more desirable… younger.

If you’re asking yourself: where are the other women in this book? Are you kidding? Have you not read the last few paragraphs I just typed? There is no other woman in the world that matters but Cathy. She is her own yin and yang. Everyone else is set decoration. The baby sister Carrie exists only to be jealous of Cathy, to worship her and resent her at the same time. She will never be as good at anything as Cathy or as beautiful as Cathy, so she might as well just die. Henny, the old obese black lady, is the caretaker. She’s no competition to Cathy. She’s old. And fat. And mute. And she probably smells like flour and lard. There’s Yolanda, the ultimate understudy, always waiting in the wings, praying for a chandelier to fall on Cathy’s head so she can take over. And of course she’s a tramp and a slutbag whore who will sleep with any man just to get what she wants. But not in the same way Cathy does it. When Cathy sleeps with a man just to get what she wants, it’s for a greater purpose. It’s not the same at all. Don’t you get it by now?

And then there’s Mother… oh, always there’s Mother.

This book was a lot of fun to read. It’s vintage cheesy, gooey VC Andrews goodness with overwrought dialogue, overcooked descriptions, and melodrama that likes of which General Hospital has never seen (but it can never beat Passions—no way, nothing can ever beat Passions in terms of crazy). Every situation in this book is a matter of life and death and Cathy is always in the middle of it. She is the ultimate teenage girl who swears that her life is OVER just because one little thing in her day went wrong. When Cathy is scorned, the whole universe is humped. The entire world is a stage and Cathy is right there in the spotlight, giving her best Oscar-worthy actressin’ performance. When Cathy’s unhappy, no one will ever be happy again. She is sunlight. She is moonlight. She is destruction. She is rebirth. She is Catherine Doll. And that’s why this is one of my most favorite books EVER. Verdict: AWESOME.

This entry was posted on Friday, March 19th, 2010 at 5:23 pm and is filed under Books, Grade: A, Young Adult, Suspense/Horror, Verdict: AWESOME!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.