Grade: B-

I accidentally grabbed this book from the pile I have on the passenger seat of my car—I meant to grab the Kleypas one— and didn’t realize my mistake until I was sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office. Because I didn’t want to go down ten floors on the elevator, walk out to the parking lot, and jay-walk across the street where I parked my car, I was a little more than peeved. Though I had grabbed this book on impulse while I was standing in line at the grocery store with pasta, tomato sauce, and Clementine oranges (I’m addicted to those things. I can eat four in one sitting) in my basket, I was a little leery reading about a heroine called Vanessa Huxtable (who, by the way, is also a middle child. Huh). Seriously?!?! Vanessa Huxtable? Damn, I was expecting Denise to come out, yelling at Vanessa over a sweater she stole while Little Rudy eggs them both on (Man, Little Rudy grew up with some boobies, what?!). But soon enough, I realized that these two Vanessas could not be more than worlds apart. First of all, Tempestt Bledsoe would probably condescend to cutting a bitch if the bitch looked at her cross-eyed and secondly, that Vanessa Huxtable would probably never marry a rich man she doesn’t love right away even if it meant her family could keep their house and be eating nice for a while (like, say, Dr. and Atty. Mrs. Huxtable got kidnapped by Somalian pirates and Denise was the only one holding the family together, and it’s not like Sondra ever gave a shit about any of them anyway once she was out of that house!). Which brings me to my main peeve of this book and every single book that follows this trope: WHAT THE HELL IS SO SELF-SACRIFICING ABOUT MARRYING A VERY RICH, VERY GOOD-LOOKING MAN WHO CAN MAKE YOUR EYES ROLL TO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD IN THE SACK?!?! True-love, schmoo-love… fancy jewelry, couture clothes, five meals a day, a goddamn mansion, and an orgasm smorgasbord can go a long way in ushering that nonsense in. Martyrdom, my skinny muscled fanny!

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Grade: B+

I’m pretty sure there’s a rule somewhere that romance novel heroes are supposed to be breathtakingly beautiful, veritable demigods walking around in tight blue jeans to be drooled over and worshipped inch by inch by mere mortals waiting to be swept into their brawny, muscled arms and ravished with punishing kisses. And if they’re “supposed to be” ugly, their genetically blessed mugs are only marred by a “disfiguring” scar, perharps a diagonal slash from the brow to the cheekbone brought upon by the tip of an enemy’s foil; or maybe the other half of his face—a perfect half, right down the middle—was burned in an explosion as he was running away from a towering inferno cradling squalling infants in his arms, thus he wears his hair unfashionably long, so that it would fall over the damaged part of his face, hiding it from the horrified gazes of gasping women. Though the scar is not only physical… at night, he can still hear the cries of those poor El Salvadorean infants… the ones he had to leave behind… I’m pretty sure they’re not supposed to be described as bumbling oafs with disheveled manes the color of blazing carrots, ill-fitting and dirty clothes, a honker of a schnozz that would make Cyrano de Bergerac’s look positively patrician, and a mouthful of large, crooked teeth. If they do happen to look so unfortunate—and I assure you, dear reader, they never do—there’s still something about them that sets them apart from the joe-schmoes out there scratching their balls and picking their noses. It’s a certain je-ne-sais-quoi: he’s smarter than everyone else, or so charming that you forget he looks like Quasimodo (ah, the infamous Steve Buscemi charm!), or… I don’t know, butwhateveritis, he’s got it. He’s got presence, he’s got pizzazz, he’s got… “oooh.” And then there’s Geoffrey Ambler, Marquess of Swale, the town idiot— a man who’d be beneath anyone’s notice if it weren’t for his title and the fact that he’s an heir to a dukedom. And then there’s the unkempt bushel of hair on top of his head the color of burnt carrots (the heroine lovingly calls him “Ginger”). Did I mention he’s also known for throwing punches and the occasional tackle due to his quick and hot temper? And that he has the tendency to shove food into his mouth like a Viking who had been subsisting on a ration of water and moldy bread? Sexy. And no, he’s not the heroine’s mentally handicapped brother or the troublemaking sidekick of the long-suffering male protagonist.

He’s your hero.

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Grade: B-

Lisa Kleypas is a whiz at creating dark, tortured heroes with heavy amounts of baggage and issues that can’t be swept away with ONE powerful bout of mad-true-love-sexin’ with the heroine. No, Kleypas’ heroes are soooo damaged that they require at least two or three bouts of mad-true-love-sexin’. One of the trademarks of a dark, tortured hero is that he will do anything for the heroine—even shove her away for her own good—but is often an unyielding, unbelievable, intolerable douchenozzle to everyone else. He is obsessed with the heroine: he will steal for her, kill for her, and even give up his own worthless life for her—for what good is his own life if he fails to secure her welfare? (goddamn it, that awful Percy Sledge song is playing full-blast in a loop inside my skull now.) I suppose that’s all supposed to be romantic and stuff, but can you imagine being the subject of one dude’s every waking thought and fantasy? He has no hobbies except a creepy habit of sitting by your bed and watching you sleep, can’t talk about anything else but you, and has plotted every second of his obsessive existence around you. He dogs your every step; he’s there every time you look over your shoulder, trying to touch your hair or breathe the very air you exhale. That’s not romantic, that’s stalkerrific! As the Bitches say in their brand-spankin’ new book Beyond Heaving Bosoms:

Why is it that romance readers can tolerate any number of crazed behaviors from a romance hero, whereas if a real life dude did one-tenth of a hero’s dastardly deeds […] she’d be calling 911 faster than you can say “restraining order”?

And that is why the hero, Kev Merripen, a savage wild child who might as well have been raised by wolves but was taken in by a kind, genteel family, does not quite work for me. He didn’t rev up my engines, he didn’t get my motor running. Instead, he creeped me out. He is one disturbed dude who would have wallpapered the walls of his bedroom with pictures of the heroine if he had a digital camera and could capture every second of her life. He seemed one step away from slaughtering small animals and laying them at her feet in sacrifice. *shudder* That’s so not hot.

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Bam,

I’m so very happy. Yesterday a box came for me…with books in it! Kresley Cole’s latest arrived, along with something from Angela Knight, and the newest from Sloane Tanen who makes me laugh aloud. Of course, hubster said to me “Are you reading Peeps books?” If I was would it really matter in the grand scheme of things? As I have come to understand over the past nine months of living with the in-laws, the short answer is no. But for certain authors there is no short answer. My delightful segue brings us to A Vampire’s Claim by Joey W. Hill.

I am a big fan of Joey’s books and am well aware that they may not appeal to a wide audience. I reviewed The Vampire Queen’s Servant back in July ‘07 and sadly, never got a moment to write a review of Mark of the Vampire Queen. While VQS received a solid A, Mark neither equaled or surpassed the first book, and I was disappointed by the characters’ evolution and how the series wrapped. A Vampire’s Claim is not an unexpected continuation of Jacob and Lyssa’s story, but rather a focus on other characters inhabiting the vamp world.

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Bam:

Ghosts, magic and shapeshifters, oh my! If I keep repeating that phrase will I get through the books in time? First: that might have been the biggest box of books EVAR. Are you trying to make me go blind? Second: I am in the middle of busy season, but feel REALLY bad about not reviewing more often. Third: I am employing the lightning review technique used for the last box. Since there were so many books, I’d like to make sure I get through as many of them as possible, so everyone can share the love! Here we go again with Shuzluva’s Superfast Box Review!

Book: Heart Fate
Author: Robin D. Owens
Grade: D+

In Brief. The story of Tinne Holly and Lahsin Burdock is the 7th book in the HeartMates series by Ms. Owens. Clearly, I’m well behind the curve here since I haven’t read any of the previous books in the series. Lahsin is on the run from her husband as her powers are beginning to appear. She seeks shelter in a hidden corner of Druida City that can only be found by those truly in need. Tinne has just been forced to divorce his wife Genista and seeks refuge in the same hidden spot. Tinne knows that Lahsin is his HeartMate but can’t tell her for some reason that I wasn’t quite clear about, and I’m not spoiling anything here, because there is a list of characters and their relationships prior to the first page of the story.

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