[Fake Blurb Alert!]

Ben Houston has always been a man’s man. He enjoys ice skating as much as the next guy, washes down his arugula and fennel salad with a pale ale after a hard day’s work, and absolutely adores the sensation of the sun kissing his golden tan skin while soaping up his Miata in his favorite macraméd jean shorts. So what if he would rather spend the day tending his prize-winning white orchids than go out with the cougar across the street who has been greedily eyeing him like he’s on the clearance table at Sephora? So what if the neighbors call him “swishy” and stick rainbow stickers all over his garage door while he’s at work? He knows what he likes and is sticking to it. He’s nobody’s princess!

No matter what the cost, she will have him…

Having grown up with brothers and the owner of a demolition company, Maya Rains is extremely familiar with all things male. But underneath the grimy hard hat, well-worn flannel, and dirty coveralls, she is all female… a female with needs… And the one man who could fill the gaping hole in her soul doesn’t even know she’s alive. From the moment she laid eyes on Ben Houston in his impeccable charcoal suit and kicky pink paisley tie, she knew she had to have him. Sure, her brothers snicker and call him “Princess Buttercup” behind his back, but Maya will not be deterred. She is sick of the sweaty, sleepless nights, and tossing and turning in her bed while thinking of Buttercup Ben’s cool blue eyes and neatly trimmed beard. Surely, he can hear the throbbing of her loins, pulsing like Taiko drums on a hot summer night. Her flower needs tending and the only gardener she needs is Ben…

Hi, Mitch, here I am! Where’s that special yummy fudge you promised me? *sniffs* Hmm… it sure smells like heavenly chocolate… and oddly enough, chlorine… Whoa, there, buddy. You must have gotten dressed in a hurry because your pants are still unzipped. In fact… *looks away* Listen, Mitch, can you stuff Little Mitch back in his cage? I’m… I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable here. *moves head back as Mitch attempts to push the wooden spoon into her mouth* Easy there, buddy. I promised you I would taste the fudge and I will. What’s your hurry? Can’t you wait one minute while I put on this apr… okay, fine! *leans forward to gingerly touch the tip of her tongue to the spoon* Oh, hey, it’s actually pretty good. A little salty and bitter, but… what’s with the creepy smirk, buddy? Wait, what are you doing with that camera? What do you mean, you want me to take an extra big spoonful so you can take a picture? Mitch, you’re starting to freak me out. *frowns as Mitch holds up a panda costume* You want me to what? No, I’m not going to wear that thing. It’s ninety degrees outside, are you crazy? *rips off apron and slowly backs away toward the door* What the hell is that… what are you doing with a leather mask with zippers over the eyes and mouth? I don’t unders— Uh-uh, buddy, back off. Look, our sex life is fine the way it is. When I said it was a little vanilla, I meant gourmet French vanilla… Get away from me, you freak! No, I don’t want to taste your special popsicle! I’m out of here. Psycho!”

Mitch stands forlornly, staring at the swinging door. He squeezes the double-sided dildo he is holding in his hand. I really thought she was the one…

Hmm… there are two possible plots for this book: 1) a rich man needs a nanny for his children and asks the pure, innocent, and childless sister of his Bitch!Skank!Whore! dead wife to help him out… and falls in love with her 2) a single mother working as a waitress in a restaurant meets a mysterious, handsome stranger who is secretly a billionaire taking a “vacation” from his real life and they fall in love and break up when she finds out HE LIED! about who he really is even though him being a billionaire means they can ship off her demonic kids to a boarding school in Siberia.

But wouldn’t it be awesome if the plot was actually this: Little Tommy is the troublemaker of the family, while little Tiffany is “Mommy’s Little Angel.” All Tommy wants is a little attention— Mommy’s always dressing up Tiffany in frilly little pink dresses, taking her to the doctor for her asthma, combing her hair and reading her Barbie stories at bedtime… while Tommy? Tommy gets told to clean his room and to please stop playing with matches and could he please stop trying to shave Mittens with Mommy’s favorite razor. Things were much better when Daddy was around. Daddy used to take him out to the woods and show him how to shoot squirrels with a pellet gun. And throw tree branches in the path of an oncoming skateboarder. Daddy was cool. At least until Mommy caught Daddy with their babysitter and chased him out of the house with a big knife.

And Mommy has less time for him now, especially since this big guy in a suit and a Ferrari started sniffing around her. Tiffany thinks he could be the New Daddy. Which would be cool… he’s tired of having only girls in the house. Of course that would mean he would have to share Mommy with another person. But if he got rid of Tiffany and the New Daddy, Tommy would get all the love and attention… and Mommy would love only him.

Thanks to my friend Sam for this deliciously evil cover.

One thing popped into my head as soon as I saw this cover: Kirk Cameron. Take a close look at that mug and tell me you don’t see Mike Fucking Seaver (we’re talking later episodes of Growing Pains when he’s a teacher at a community college and gone on to adopt Leonardo Dicaprio— yes, I watched them. Don’t be all judge-y). Which makes this cover all the more precious because Kirk Cameron went on to become the Ultra-Christian version of Superman whose sole purpose is to save us heathen from the fiery pits of hell (not that there’s anything wrong with that)— and his reasonable facsimile is seen here being fed BY HAND by a raven-haired temptress who is vaguely Asiatic (would have been more awesome had she been fiery-haired!) and all seductive-like and coy. Tempted by the fruit of another… Yeah, do you think an umbrella would be enough to protect my head from falling anvils?

Anywaize— I’m inclined to believe that the Texan here is the Womyn because she’s the one holding the apple peach and trying to lure Kirk Cameron from the righteous path and such. TEMPTATION: THY NAME IS WOMYN! TESTIFY! Huh. Why am I hungry all of a sudden? Peaches come from a can they were put there by a man… In a factory downtown… If I had my little way I’d eat peaches everyday… Sun-soakin’ bulges in the shade…”

Props to my homie-g Amber for sending me this cover.

[fake blurb alert.]

…dance for an all-male revue!

Dylan Quinn is unhappy. There’s a festering, pus-crusted, gaping hole where his soul should be, and it’s all because he had never allowed himself to do what he’s always wanted to do: join the Royal Academy of Dance. As a child, Dylan had learned there is only one avenue for the thoroughly heterosexual male Quinns. Firefightin’. His family had always been supportive of all of his endeavors— like the time he landed the lead in his high school’s production of Swan Lake— but Dylan knows it would secretly break his father’s heart if he were to hang up his ultra-tight flame-retardant pants and pick up ballet slippers. For good. After all, the Mighty Quinns are only known for two things: fightin’ fires and impregnatin’ kind, pure, salt-of-the-earth females.

Julie Davis has always been in love with Dylan Quinn. In high school, she followed him around and even signed up for the drama club just so she could be near him. In math classes, she allowed him to copy from her tests. But he had never acknowledged her as a woman, much less as a love interest. Over the years, she had learned to accept that the day will never come when Dylan will look at her and fall madly in love.

But she knows his heart’s desire…

One night, while walking her Pomeranian and passing the firehouse “by chance,” Julie peeks into a window and finds Dylan alone and twirling like a graceful, beautifully insane top to Chopin blasting from a boombox. She realizes if she could help Dylan fulfill his dream, he would finally see her as a woman. And it could start with the audition for the lead of an all-male version of La Bayadere, a production her sister is leading in Tulsa…

Thanks again to my buddy Amber for sending me this cover.