Sister Jane wants me to write a little fake blurb for this particular cover, but honestly, I… zzzzz… zzz… whuh? Where am I? What’s going on here? Ahem. *wiping off drool from chin* According to a summary I found on Amazon:

A fictional version of the author serves as the narrator of Berlinski’s uneven first novel, a thriller set in Thailand. Mischa Berlinski, a reporter who’s moved to northern Thailand to be with his schoolteacher girlfriend, Rachel, hears from his friend Josh about the suicide of Martiya van der Leun, an American anthropologist, in a Thai jail, where she was serving 50 years for murder. As Mischa begins to investigate Martiya’s life and supposed crimes, he becomes increasingly obsessed with the woman.

…zzzzz… I’m sorry I fell asleep reading that, too. My hero, Stephen King, says “you can’t stop reading till midnight… cooks like a mother”. Really? REALLY, Steve? I’m all about not judging a book by its cover, but pfffft… I’m sorry, I couldn’t even type that. I’m not asking for mantitty or anything, but damn… could we have something a little more than a couple of blobs of blurry broccoli? I mean, it’s Thailand, right? Maybe we could have… like… a beach, with some evil-looking coconut trees with fronds that look like spikes… and fallen coconuts on the sand that eerily resemble skulls… and ooh! Maybe a volcano in the background somewhere. (Are there volcanoes in Thailand?) Man, even the font is boring. There’s something mundane and vaguely Nicholas Sparks about… zzzz… zzzz…

[fake blurb alert!]

Sarah Williams never thought she would ever become a mother. As a child, she was abducted by aliens and had all of her ova extracted in a rather painful way, but no one ever believed her. In fact, she spent most of her post-adolescent life in the Elysian Fields Asylum because she wouldn’t wouldn’t stop babbling about it. At thirty and still a virgin, Sarah is just trying to live a normal life, even though she doesn’t indulge in romantic relationships. Besides, she’s too busy pining for her boss, the world-renowned illusionist, Zachariah Sinclair, who doesn’t seem to know she exists. Frustrated and alone, Sarah musters up all the courage in her body and decides to seduce Sinclair. After one passion-filled night, Sarah finds herself miraculously pregnant… and in love.

Zack Sinclair has been a master illusionist for twenty years, but it’s been a trial staying on top what with upstarts locking themselves in glass boxes for a week with no food and water. Zack knows he’ll have to do something bigger than sawing his assistant in half if he wants to remain the Best Magician Evah. One day, while practicing a new trick, Zack accidentally banishes Sarah… and their unborn child to oblivion. Since Zack’s magic has been a little erratic, Sarah could be in a five-star suite or in the bottom of the Atlantic… and Zack is running out of time to find out. In a race against time and the police investigating the disappearance of his assistant, Zack must find Sarah… and their baby… before it’s too late!

Thanks to Amber for this cover.

Here’s a really nice, really classy cover. It’s freaking sexy, yeah? There’s something about it that really, really pisses me off, though. That blond-haired bitch looks like Giselle Bundchen and I hate that dirty whore. It’s a hate that knows no reason nor logic. Don’t ask. I get all verr klempt and shit just talking about it… so let’s not. *takes a deep breath*

This cover is so pretty that I can’t even come up with a fake blurb for it… sad face. But I’m going to try. Let’s see… the girl looks like… a Saffron. Saffron Matthews. And the sweet, sweet chocolate daddy she’s holding… hmm…. Damon. Damon Howard. Boo-yah!

Saffron Matthews is a radio personality who is famous for her sexy voice, trademark wit, and sassy sexual advice as WKRP’s Dr. Ladyluuuurve. Though Saffron is incredibly beautiful, tall, slender, has an awesome body, and can belch the national anthem after downing a six-pack of beer, she has a bit of a problem. Unknown to her listeners, the sexy Dr. Ladyluuuurve is still… a VIRGIN! She is cursed with a disease called vagina dentata and she is afraid that no man will ever touch her. According to her doctor, a man would have a steel cock to be able to have sex with her.

Hunky Damon Howard can’t seem to get a woman. He is handsome, wealthy, intelligent… except he was in an industrial accident once involving a paper press and… he is no longer the man he used to be. With the help of some friends in the robotics and cybernetics industry, Damon is now the proud owner… of a robot cock. Only his friends couldn’t quite perfect the synthetic skin necessary to cover it, so his penis… has the look of steel. His wife, disgusted by his metallic appendage, had already divorced him and he can’t get a woman to sleep with him no matter what he offers her. That is, until he meets the beautiful Saffron Matthews. From the moment Damon meets Saffron, he realizes he will do anything to possess her. But will their magnetic, instantaneous attraction overcome Damon’s… HUGE problem? Or will Damon never find a woman who can… truly love him?

Kids, The Average Girl’s Guide to Getting Laid will be released by Loose-id on April 17. Check it out!

[fake blurb alert!]

Melissa Johnson is tired of her “good girl” image. As the town’s mousy librarian, she encounters only retirees and kids looking for the latest Harry Potter book. Being a thirty-six year old virgin is a little frustrating and Melissa wants to get laid… badly. She has always dreamt of losing her virginity to a cowboy, particularly to Chase McStudly, the only man she has ever loved. In high school, Chase never paid attention to her, hanging out instead with his varsity wrestling buddies and giving them good “circulation-improving massages” after practice. Melissa will do just about anything to get Chase to notice her, even if it means venturing into Frederick’s of Hollywood and buying S&M inspired lingerie decorated with sparkles.

Chase McStudly has a secret: he is actually country music’s biggest recording star, Kenny Chesney. In his long, successful career, he has released many chart-topping hits such as “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy (But I Don’t Give a Shit About that Breeder Whore),” “You Had Me From Hello (’Cause You Answered the Door Wearing a Banana Hammock and Nothing Else),” “The Woman With You (Should Be Dumped so You Can Run Away With Me),” and “Keg in the Closet (Where I Like To Spend My Time)”. But Chase has a problem. A National Enquirer meanie is threatening to expose his secret life… and he needs a wife… FAST! Too bad his “wife” dumped him after four months of marriage citing “fraud,” and he can’t seem to trick anyone else into a marriage “in name only”. What a public relations nightmare! Out of desperation, Chase returns to his hometown and finds… Melissa Johnson, the girl who’s always been pathetically in love with him. He figures he could tie her up in bed, tell her it’s a BDSM game, and then go off drinking with his… um… buddies. It’s the perfect plan!

Only Chase never expected to fall in love… with Melissa’s spangle-studded lingerie. He’d been able to hide his “secret” for a long time… but will he be able to hide his predeliction for sparkly underwear?

I’m such a cad. I completely forgot to give credit where credit’s due. This cover was brought to you by my buddy, Laura… the sexiest woman alive.

… Even with a broken neck. Is it me or… does Cassie seem to be suffering from 1) a severe curvature of the spine or 2) just really bad posture? I had to really, really stare at this cover because I couldn’t tell at first if Cassie has her back to us and is looking over her shoulder (in that case, pssst… Cassie, I think your neck is broken) or if her front is as flat as her back. Ba-zing! Wait, wait… if I squint really hard, I can detect some boobage there. A little saggy, though. Dear old Cassie could use a bra, methinks, pull those babies up a little. She looks so frail, our Cassie, like she’d snap if she moved too much. Good thing boyfriend over there appears to be the kind of guy who prefers his women to stay very, very still while he’s making love to them. Maybe he even makes them take a very, very cold shower first. You know what I mean, homegirls? I mean, dude is… OH MY GOD! What the hell is going on with his fingers? Hell, what the hell is wrong with his hands? Not only are his fingers stubby-looking and freakishly short, his palm is also… oddly wide, but short. I don’t care how cute a guy is… if he’s got fugly hands, he ain’t getting his mitts on my hot bod. And his arm is also distractingly short. Maybe he’s a tall guy, but has little people limbs. Tragic! Ugh, I can’t look at his hands anymore. They make me nauseous. And what’s with the morbid-ass title? Is he tired of Cassie saying goodbye to him, so he’s going to end it once and for all and throw her off the cliff? “I’ve had it with you saying goodbye to me, Cassie! You will say goodbye… for the last time!” Dear God, I need a drink. It’s too early for this shit.

Thanks a lot, Amber!